Much of the time that we disagree, it’s not about fundamental issues. We might both be heading in the same direction, but we disagree about where we came from, or how we might best get to the next destination.
When this happens we start talking past each other. Making points, but not addressing the key concerns of the other – a situation which leads to frustration and more disagreement.
We’ve seen a lot of that over the last two weeks – and we’re likely to see more in the days to come.
Here’s an overly simple, but nevertheless useful tool for dealing with this challenge.
- Stop the existing discussion
- Try to find all the points on which we agree about the key issue
- Find the themes in our agreement.
- Find the points where we disagree and the themes in that disagreement.
- Agree whether the points and themes of disagreement are values based and fundamental or logistical
- Agree to respectfully disagree on the values based disagreements
- Work to solve the logistical ones
It’s simple, but it’s not easy.
Like not thinking of an elephant.
When we talk past each other, we’re not really in a dialogue, and until we are, we’re not moving closer to a solution.
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